To Change or Not to Change

Why fear of change may be the reason you feel stuck in an unhealthy relationship

There’s a saying that change is the only constant in life. Yet many of us find change very difficult. Leaving what is familiar can feel terrifying — even if the change means having a better life, a healthier relationship, or a more-fulfilling career.

Change means facing the unknown, and the uncertainties that go with it. So, we stay where we are — not because it’s good, but because it’s familiar.

This struggle is evident in difficult or toxic romantic relationships. People often recognize the signs. They see the mistreatment, under-appreciation, unequal division of labor. They may be aware of exploitation, lack of commitment, dishonesty, or constant criticism. They feel the stress and anxiety. They know something is wrong.

And still, they stay.

Rather than taking action, they wish and hope. They overthink. They wait. They double down and try harder. They take on more responsibilities. They caretake their partner. They tolerate poor treatment. They believe that if they do a little more, things will finally get better.

Deep down, they know that for life to get better, things need to change. They could ask for better treatment. They could set a boundary, or end the relationship altogether. But they don’t.

Why?

Why We Hold On: The Power of Overvaluing That in Which We Invest

To understand this, let’s look at an experience most people have had.

Have you ever given someone a gift, only to later discover it unused or in the bin for charity donation? Did you feel a sting of disappointment? That sting of disappointment reveals a basic aspect of human nature. We attach value to the things we invest in. The investment might be money, time, effort, or emotions. The more we invest, the harder it becomes to let go — even when letting go would be better for us.

A few years ago, a friend of mine bought a beautiful white orchid for her friend “Peter” (not his real name) while he was in the hospital. She hoped it would brighten the sterile hospital room and lift his spirits. But on the day of his discharge, Peter gave the orchid to a staff member. When my friend found out, she was shocked and hurt. The orchid had value beyond the amount she had paid for it. It said, “I care.” It is clear Peter did not attach the same value or meaning to the orchid.

This story illustrates the sunk-cost fallacy in action. We value what we’ve invested in, even when the other person doesn’t.

The Sunk-Cost Fallacy and Relationships

Romantic relationships are far more complex than gifts or objects. Relationships carry a lot of emotional weight, values, hopes, dreams, and aspirations.

But it is not unusual for people to overvalue unhealthy relationships solely on the basis of time already invested, because of the “sunk-cost fallacy”: the idea that we don’t want to “waste” the effort we’ve already made, even if it is unlikely to result in what we want and need.

We have thoughts like:

• “But I’ve put years into this relationship. How can I walk away?”

• “Can I ever love anyone else?”

• “What if I never meet anyone else?”

• “How long will it take to find another partner?”

The time and emotional investment feel too big to abandon. These fears are also fueled by recalling unhappiness in our past. We remember a time we were lonely. We remember the single friend who called us crying due to loneliness.

We see “happy” couples holding hands and smiling at each other. We imagine ourselves in their shoes.

We imagine life without this person. Such imaginings make the loss feel much larger and more painful than it needs to be.

Focusing on the fear of loss makes it easy to push aside the pain of a hurtful relationship.

What You Can Do

If you are in a relationship that hurts you, start by looking at the facts.

• How long have you been in the relationship?

• Has your partner shown real, consistent change?

• Does your partner say one thing but do something different? Pay attention to actions, not just words.

• How does this relationship feel? A hurtful relationship does not feel warm or safe. It does not soothe. It does not comfort.

• What are you losing by holding onto a relationship that hurts you?

If you’re with someone who hurts you, and has been doing so consistently for a while, there’s a real possibility that the person may never change. Facing that reality is painful, which is why many people avoid it. But what we avoid we cannot master. We can't heal that which we refuse to face. We grow from facing painful, fearful, and difficult situations. Making the decision to change your life is making the decision to heal.

Recognize the sunk-cost fallacy. Sticking with a toxic relationship only because of what you’ve already put into it doesn’t protect the “value” of your “investment.” Realizing this will not take away the pain or make a decision easy, but it will give you a clearer picture of the problem. Change may feel scary, but the price of staying stuck is too high. It grows bigger, like an unpaid debt that accumulates interest over time.

When fear leads your life, it is difficult to see the benefits of letting go of what does not serve you. Fear holds you back.

If you are struggling with being stuck, reach out.

Illustration adapted from image by Rama Krishna Karumanchi on Pixabay